This email is making the rounds.

Pretty good stuff in thar, ayuh.

New Preamble to the Constitution of the United States

This is probably the best e-mail I’ve seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.

“We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.”

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don’t care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country’s history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, please get over it.

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34 Responses to suh-Weet!

  1. Seth says:

    Had me up until the last two

  2. Niall says:

    Article X is just wack. The US has NO OFFICIAL LANGUAGE. We are not an “officially” English-speaking country. If you want to see the endless misery that results from trying to legislate this, just look north to Canada.

    Article XI is both wack and aggressively ignorant. “This country was founded on the belief in one true God. ” Ha ha ha. This guy has obviusly never read a history of the US. All of the founding fathers were Deists, which meant they believed in “a” God, not “one true God”. “In God We Trust” did not appear until 1864, and so could not have been a founding aspect of the US.

    I knew education in the US had gone into the crapper, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I read that list.

  3. Sandy Salt says:

    Article X is a reaction to the fact that there is a large amount of immigrants today are not assimilating into our culture to the point that everything is now comes in Spanish as well. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a certain amount of frustration due to illegal immigration and the two are usually linked, even if unfairly. I think that immigration is great, but I am opposed to illegal immigration just because it is illegal/against the law/wrong.

    As for Article XI, the middle part is fine about freedom. The fact is people do not get to remove our history because it might offend someone. Good or bad things were written in the Declaration of Independence and Constitution. Our oaths and Presidential speeches has references to God, but that doesn’t mean we force you to believe a certain way. If we don’t then you don’t get to either.

    • Jana says:

      How about a corporate coaitnmcmuions coordinator? You could also look into newspaper or magazine reporting. Think about the businesses where you live and the type of work you want to do after grad school then gear your post-BA job to that.

  4. Niall says:

    Sandy –

    Actually immigrants are integrating very well in the US. That’s why Europeans come here to study our success, because it’s something they have completely failed at. For example, in Germany it’s not uncommon to find third generation Turkish immigrants who can’t speak German. That just doesn’t happen in the US.

    We are experiencing a continuing wave of immigration from Latin America, and so we have large numbers of first generation immigrants who perhaps don’t speak the language well. But that’s true of all first generation immigrants. That doesn’t mean that they, and their children, aren’t integrating. Also, the vast majority of immigrants in the US work and have an income (something like 90%). Contrast with Europe where the employment rate is only 40% and the vast majority are on welfare. If you want to see what real failed integration looks like, go to Germany or the Netherlands, not here.

    My point about Article XI is that it’s ahistorical, and a distortion of our history. If you actually studied the history of the US, you would know this too.

  5. virgil xenophon says:


    The “all the founding fathers were Deists” is so wrong it’s not even close. As a matter of historical record all but 3 or 4 at most were strong practicing members of a formal, organized church. What you are sprouting is pure propaganda. And need I mention that most of our major universities such as Harvard and Yale were originally established SPECIFICALLY as divinity schools? By many of the same people whose name is on the Declaration of Independence?

    And as for English only, I suppose the story of the Tower of Babel as a cautionary tale has no effect on you. Or the fact that the term “Balkanization” has a negative connotation for a reason. One of our great historical advantages
    in developing the continent and our civilization is that, unlike, Europe, we had the advantage of a single language and a single overriding protestant culture. We should throw those major, major, advantages away for the supposed advantages (still historically much unproven) of a multi-culti Balkanization in terms of unifying language and culture? Please.

  6. Niall says:

    Sorry, Xenophon. You’re wrong. Ben Franklin? Deist. Thomas Jefferson? Deist, and rabid anti-Christian. Etc.

    Your comments on English are also irrelevant. Learning English is the only way to get ahead in the US, and immigrants all know this. For this reason, we don’t have to have English as our “official language”. That’s why all the hispanic, Russian and CHinese immigrants I know speak perfect English.

    As I said, look at Canada if you want to see the mess language politics can cause.

  7. virgil xenophon says:


    I’m wrong? Exactly HOW MANY examples did you give? You will note I said “all but 3 or 4,” of which the two you named are prime examples. I hardly think you have disproved my point, Niall. And perhaps all the Spanish-speaking immigrants YOU know speak perfect English, Niall, but a HUGE, measurable
    number do not, and not only NOT “assimilating “, they are distorting our culture and civic society by creating a Balkanized, parallel culture (Think Univision, Spanish language newspapers, radio-stations, bi-lingual education, etc.) that constantly impinges on the original culture (think press#1 for English, Spanish instructions aside English on Grocery store items, etc,) along with the expectation that one is disqualified from running for political office or holding almost any kind of a job in certain parts of the US (think Miami, parts of LA, and NM & Ariz.–big splash bin current news about the motel owner in NM catching holy hell for requiring his employees to speak English on the job–or has that little contretemps escaped your notice. ) Also La Raza, and other groups pressuring school systems to alter school texts, etc., to reflect Mexican history more than American in the LA school district, etc. No, Niall, aside from THOSE facts, everything is hunky-dory, no cultural strains whatsoever! Nobody here but us chickens!

  8. fastnav says:

    “That’s why all the hispanic, Russian and CHinese immigrants I know speak perfect English.”

    I’m with Virgil on this one. This is either a symptom of the fact that you work in a very technology driven field, or you don’t know many immigrants (or both).

  9. Niall says:

    Fastnav, I’m not sure why working in a technology driven field (as I do) disqualifies my experience and observation. If you do that, you’re basically, “Except for all the immigrants that learn English, immigrants don’t learn English,” which is logically meaningless.

    As I pointed out, first generation immigrants, if they come from a non-English speaking country, will always speak English imperfectly. It’s the second generation that will be fluent in English, not the first. So when you have a continuing stream of first generation immigrants coming to this country, it creates the impression that no one is assimilating, but that’s not really true.

    I lived in Chicago for 20 years, where the big pool if illegal immigrants comes from Poland. And they keep on coming. Very few of them speak any real English, and in Chicago they have all the menial jobs that Latinos have in LA. But, strangely, I never hear anyone bitching and moaning about them. Must be because they are white.

    I work near a Home Depot, and every day I walk through the ranks of the day laborers waiting for work. They’re all Latino, of course. For the most part they speak Spanish among themselves. But one day I tripped and stumbled and fell down as I was walking through their area. You’d be surprised how many of them spoke perfect English in inquiring whether I was OK.

    Look, I know we have a problem with illegal immigration, thanks to the Republicans and the Bush administration. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t integrating. The Republicans sold the US working class down the river, preferring to lot hordes of cheap illegal labor come in instead. Hopefully, now that the Republicans are out of power, we can begin to fix that.

    • fastnav says:

      Well, taking the word “immigrant” to mean the first generation immigrants you yourself referred to as having rough English, I assumed that if “all the hispanic, Russian and CHinese immigrants [you] know speak perfect English” it must be a factor that you work in a very technical field where many of the immigrants will have high quality educations from elsewhere and would likely therefore have good command of the English Language.

      I consider immigrants to be the first generation folks who arrive in country. There’s no such thing as second and third generation immigrants because they are born here. Therfore they can’t emigrate to some place they already are.

      And regarding Chicago Pollacks, I wager if you look around, there’s plenty of people pissed about the Polish immigration problem in Chicago. You hear about Latinos because it’s less of a regional issue and more of a national issue.

      • Shoeb says:

        I have quite a few of the books you showed this week and I am rellay confident you will love Perfect Chemistry and Anna & The French Kiss, they are 2 of my favourite contemporary reads. I did enjoy Hereafter and Born at Midnight but neither are favourites of mine and I don’t know if I will continue the series but plenty of others love them so hopefully you will too. Forgive My Fins is rellay cute!

    • Anissa says:

      Great night of music.Watch out America – have we got great Bluegrass talent or what!! Well done Sandy and Neill!! Great line-up. Neil and his band were on top form and had the place sgnwniig. Another of my favorites the Sick and Indigent Song Club were oozing talent as usual. Watch out for this band and go and see them whenever you get the opportunity.I wont even name them as all 6 of them as individually so talented I would have to write a paragraph on each. Gary and Angie phew – having seen them many times before what you hear on this programme is only a taster.It was my first time seeing I Draw Slow and such talent with the beautiful voice of Louise Holden and sweet sweet guitar playing of Dave Holden, great five string banjo backup from Colin.Jerry O’Conner surprised us with great Blusgrass on the Tenor banjo with great backing on the guitar from Stephen? Doherty from Donegal. I did not envy his task to keep up with Gerry.Sorry how could I forget the sweet voice Paula Flynn – my first time hearing her.Such talent – what a night!! Well done Neil and Sandy and the RTE team under Aidan Butler..Please do it again sometime soon!!John Denham

  10. Niall says:

    Virgil –

    I’m sorry, but you just don’t know your American history. Thomas Paine – deist. George Washington – deist. Patrick Henry? Deist. John Adams? Well, here’s what he had to say about Christianity:

    “As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that has ever existed?”

    Letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816

    Hardly the sentiments of a fundamentalist.

    All of the men who shaped the fundamental definition of the US were deists. That’s just a fact of history. And I notice that a knowledge of history – any history – seems sorely lacking on this blog.

  11. Niall says:

    Fastnav –

    The reason you and I can agree that “immigrant” means “first generation immigrant” is precisely because following generations INTEGRATE. I don’t think you appreciate how unique this is in the world. As I pointed out previously, Europe in particular is having a horrible, horrible time with its non-Western immigrants. There, third and fourth generation immigrants are still not assimilated, don’t speak the language, and they all live on welfare. That’s why I make the distinction between first generation immigrants and other generation immigrants.

    The great thing about the US is that the economic necessity/benefit of learning English is so great, immigrants don’t have to be told to learn English. If you watch Spanish language TV in the US (gee, what are the chances?), you’ll see that have the ads are for English language learning programs. Why would this be if they had no interest in learning English?

    As for my immigrant colleagues in the technical field: You’re making a big mistake if you think learning how to program is the same thing as being “educated”. Ha ha! If only. As for my Russian friends, they all landed in the US cold, with zero understanding of English. They all speak it very well now, regardless of their educational level back in Russia.

    And, oddly, no, there are few, if any, Chicagoans who attack the Polish immigrant community. I lived there for 20 years, and never heard a peep about it. Since I don’t think you can match my experience on this issue, well, dot dot dot.

  12. Niall says:

    Really, you’re in DC? How do you like that?

  13. virgil xenophon says:


    For one who refers to “history” all the time I would remind you that for the first 100 years of its existence, the chambers of Congress were used as a formally authorized Church, beginning with Congressional authorization on 4 Dec 1800 when the seat of govt was first moved from Phila and NYC to DC. Services were held in the House chamber every Sunday presided over alternatively by the Chaplin of the House and Senate interspersed with guest clergy. Up to 2000 elected officials and townspeople people packed the House floor and gallery every Sunday and, considering the pop of DC in those days, was a considerable percentage of the population of DC. Services were also held on Sunday mornings at the Treasury Dept. as well. Both Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Adams were prominent regular attendees when President. So much for “Separation of Church and State.” I could go on, but you get the picture. This nation’s govt may not have been formulated with an official state religion in mind, but it was clearly formulated from Judeo-Christian principles by, in the main, Christian politicians who were fervent believers.

  14. Niall says:

    None of which speaks to my point about the beliefs of the Founding Fathers.

    • Champ says:

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  15. fastnav says:

    It’s a rare thing (not really), but I’m going to go with Niall on this one.

    The founding fathers were very much deists. Considering most of them were Masons. This doesn’t mean they were Christians, or not, it merely means that they believe in a Supreme Creator with no specificity given to any one religion.

    I’d argue that the large buildings being used as churches were probably more a matter of convenience than blurring of the separation of church and state.

  16. Niall says:

    fastnav –

    The congressional buildings were used for church services initially because, at the time, there were no churches yet built in D.C.

    Also, the fact of the services shows that though the US was founded by Deists, their broad view of religion is precisely what made it easy for them to support all forms of religion current at the time. The secularism at the heart of the Republic is precisely what has allowed us to flourish as a religious people and nation.

    • fastnav says:

      So we DO agree…. sound the alarm!! 🙂

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  17. Niall says:

    Fastnav –

    I’m as terrified as you are at the prospect.

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